Howda Tellthet Chura Texan

By Ken Hanson

I’ve heard people say, “I wasn’t born in Texas,
But I got here as quick as I could”.
I think Texas is a great place to live,
I really think that you should.

There’s all kinds of people here,
That are friendly and funny and smart.
But I think it’s the colorful way that we talk,
That really sets us apart.

If you ask a Texan, “Wherebouts you live?,
He might say, “Over Yonder”, or “Ri-Cheere”,
For those of you Buffaloed by that answer,
What he really means is near here.

He might say, “If’fn I had by Druthers,
I’d live way out in the Sticks”.
It’s that love of wide open spaces,
That makes City Folks think we’re a bunch of hicks.

But if you call him that, he might be all over you,
Just like a Duck on a Junebug.
And now you Done Stepped In It,
With a Hitch in your Gitalong, I doubt you’ll be so smug.

If you ask a Texan, “Jeet Yet”?
He’s likely to say, “No, Jew”?
And if you think its time to Chow Down on Vittles,
You might as well say, “Yont To”?

If you got a Hankerin’ you might as well,
Mosey to town and get some Bar B Q,
And don’t forget to Holler at the Youngins’
They might be back from the Swimmin’ Hole and want some to.

If them kids are real hungry they might tell you,
“My stomach thinks my throat’s been cut”.
Or else, “My stomach’s gnawin’ on my backbone”,
It’ll bankrupt the Governor to fill up their gut.

After dinner he might sit a spell if he’s Tarred,
Jawin’ or Yakin’ or Flappin’ his Gums for an hour to two,
He might even do a little Pickin’ and Grinnin’,
That’s playin’ the Geetar if I have to explain it to you.

I’ve heard that out in California,
The young men call each other “Dude”,
And they communicate in cars using just one finger,
Though the way they do it seems rude.

But out here in the Smack Dab Middle
Of the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave,
Do they know that were just being friendly.
When we see ‘em drive by and give ‘em a wave?

Of course they won’t be driving through here,
If a Blue Northern comes to town.
We’ll all be Socked In cause between here and the North Pole,
All the Barbed Wire’s been knocked down!

And if it snows enough Here in these Parts,
You’ll just have to Hunker Down and Wait it Out.
Or else Throw in your Hat and start shoveling,
Then your Axel will be Dragin’, no doubt.

Or you could stay in and get a Snoot Full of Hooch,
If you hear a knock at the door, say “Who Zat, Zat Chew”?
Course you already know it’s you’re your best buddy,
Who made his way over cause he knows you got some brew.

When it starts to thaw out them dirt roads will be soggy,
Just like it’s been Rainin’ Cats and Dogs.
You just might slide off in the Bar Ditch,
And be there till Spring along with the frogs.

Course you might get lucky and some Good Old Boy
Might happen by and Ponder your fate.
If he’s worth a Plug Nickel, when he Gets a Round Tu’it,
He’ll pull your truck out, wouldn’t that be great?

I S’pose you could get your own tractor to do it,
But the dang things been busted since last fall.
The axel’s Wallered Out and the wheels Whoppy Jawed,
And the motors fixen’ to blow up if you drive it at all.

The Sawed Off Runt that sold you that tractor,
Had you pegged and hung you out to dry.
Wonder what that Hornswoggler was doin’ in these parts,
It’d Hairlip the governor to find out why.

So Quit your Caterwallin and Take the Bull by the Horns,
Tell him you want your money back, give him fits.
Offer to string him up on a tall oak tree,
That oughta’ scare ‘im half out of his wits.

If you don’t square it up, you’ll be Blown out of the Water,
Cause you won’t get your plantin’ done in the spring.
You should’ve done business with a feller who’s honest,
A man not true to his word ain’t worth a thing.

A Texan will say Howdy Y’all, or Put ‘er there Pardner,
And look you square in the eye since the day he was born.
He won’t brag about being honest,
That’d be too much like Tootin’ your own Horn.

He’ll treat you fair and square,
He knows what goes around comes around.
He’s most likely a God fearing man
True to his word with morals that are sound.

He’ll weigh his words before he says ‘em.
He doesn’t want to offend me or you.
If he mashes his finger working on his truck,
He’ll say Pardon my French if he turns the air blue.

He’ll say, “Hold your horses, I was just funnin’ ya,
If he makes you mad pullin’ a joke on you.
If you say “Are you through pullin’ those pranks”?
He’ll say, “Naw Chet”, and expect you to get him back too.

He might have a knack for getting’ under your skin,
But don’t expect him to change his way.
“If’fn it aint broke don’t fix it”,
Is likely what he would say.

But you can’t ask for a better friend,
Ones that will stand by you no matter what are few.
If you’ve got a problem that’s eatin’ you up,
You can spill your guts and he’ll listen to you.

I’m sure you can find friends wherever you go,
To find a better friend than a Texan you’d have to go pretty far.
People are here because they want to be,
I guess we’re who we are because of where we are.

What it all boils down to in my opinion is this,
When you think about it I’m sure you’ll agree.
The only requirement to be a Texan is,
That’s what you really want to be.