I Think That My Horses Are Laughing At Me

By Ken Hanson

The day finally came, I knew that it would,
When I’d have to replace my old team.
My two draft horses, strong as they are,
Were now getting old, it would seem.

We’ve been together so long they’re like family to me,
Or at least the kind I wish that I had.
To think we wont work together anymore,
Will really make me feel sad.

Fourteen hands high and strong as an ox,
Faithful, gentle, and smart.
I’ll put ‘em to pasture,
To turn ‘em to glue would certainly rip out my heart.

A good part of my life they pulled that old plow,
Never complaining or failing to work.
Them two big old horses they have my respect,
To replace ‘em now make me feel like a jerk.

But they’re getting old and it’s harder to get ‘em,
Out of the barn on a cold winter day.
They’ve earned their retirement and a whole field of grass,
The old simple days have just gone away.

The farm’s bigger now and to stay in the black,
You just have to plant more and more.
Which is why now, reluctantly, I find myself,
Standing in front of the John Deere store.

The price of them new fangled tractors these days,
Would bring a grown man to tears.
But a sad looking trade in along the back fence,
I could pay off in just a few years.

We made us a deal and the salesman said,
He’d get his young helper to come start it up.
This strapping young man, big as a bear,
Took off his hat, set down his coffee cup.

He grabbed this big flywheel and gave it a spin,
And then he spun it again.
And again, and again, and again, and again,
And again, and again, and again.

And again, and again, well, you get the picture,
I really don’t see how,
That young man didn’t have him a heart attack.
If it was me I would’ve by now.

When it finally started, the sound that it made,
Sounded like something was about to break.
“It’s a Poppin’ Johnny” the salesman said,
“That’s the sound it’s supposed to make”!

All I know is, if my old team was here,
It would’ve scared ‘em half out of their wits.
Little did I know, from this day forward,
That old green tractor would give me fits!

I figured I’d just drive it back to the farm,
It was only a few miles away.
What I didn’t know or expect at the time,
That trip would take me about half the day.

I took off down the road in a cloud of dust,
Squintin’ into the midday sun.
It’s faster’n my old team, rides better’n my buckboard,
I think I was actually having some fun.

Well, that soon ended when the cussed machine,
Lurched to a stop on the side of the road.
I’d run out of gas, to get it back home,
Looks like it would have to be towed.

I walked the last mile, straight up to the barn,
And hitched up my faithful old team.
Maybe it’s hard to replace brains and brawn,
With machines, or so it would seem.

I swear that when we got back to the tractor,
Them horses were laughing at me.
Can horses do that? The gleam in their eyes,
Looked like they surely must be.

I lashed up the rope, they leaned into the harness,
Back down the road toward my place.
I pulled my hat down, not from the sun,
Just to keep anyone from seeing my face.

If my friends and neighbors could’ve seen what I was doing,
Then I never would’ve lived it down.
I’m just glad I was so close to my farm,
And far away from the town.

My team pulled it right on into the barn,
So I could work on the thing in the shade.
I’d get me some gas and fire it back up,
The rest of the day then, I’d have it made.

I never even thought about getting some gas,
Though now I’ll have to, of course.
The only gas I’m used to dealing with,
Comes from the back of a horse.

Well, I got me some gas and filled up the tank,
And grabbed that big flywheel to give it a spin.
Right then I found out how dad gum strong,
That young fella’ must’ve been!

I spun it again, harder this time,
And the durn thing only backfired.
A few more hard spins, I’m raising a blister,
And already starting to get kinda’ tired!

Just then I remembered the compression release.
Oh what a fool I have been.
I noticed them horses were looking at me,
And I swear they were startin’ to grin!

I opened the valve, it’s easier now,
I proceeded to spin it some more.
And then it fired up, to my horses surprise,
With a terrible deafening roar.

Them horses went wild! With fear in their eyes,
They circled the barn and ran out the door.
I stepped back to find a big pile of manure,
They left for me right in the middle of the floor.

Them horses ran off ‘till clear out of sight,
But they know the farm and they’re OK for now.
And since this thing’s running I’m gonna’ find out,
How easy it handles my old rusty plow.

I hooked up the rig and pulled into the field,
Lowered the plow and lined up on a row.
To heck with them horses, I got me a tractor,
We’re plowing now brother, look at us go!

Just then that old plow hung up on a stump,
Stalled the engine, then what did I see?
From across the field, two horses watching,
And I swear they were laughing at me!

I’ll show them old beasts! I’ll start it back up!
Dang their old flea bitten hide!
A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do,
To salvage a little bit of his pride.

They’re not gonna’ have the last laugh on me,
I grabbed that big flywheel and then,
I gave it a spin, and spun it again,
And again, and again, and again.

And again, and again, well, that’s my sad tale,
But the thing that I really do fear,
Is them horses will laugh when I ask ‘em to help me,
Rescue this danged old John Deere!